Children after the heart of God
Series: Welcome home | Bible text: Ephesians 6:1–4
On the fifth commandment («You shall honour your father and mother.») lies a huge promise. The implementation of this demand looks different in every phase of life. But it is always about respecting, honouring and strengthening the position of father and mother. The condition for adult children is that they have left father and mother. The goal is not independence, but hearts turned towards each other in freedom.
«What is to shine in the fatherland must begin in the home.«This sentence by Jeremias Gotthelf, which has been used for almost 200 years, has lost none of its expressiveness. A family where love, acceptance and mutual care are lived has the potential to change the world. Such a family is a great blessing and acts like a little leaven that gains influence on its whole environment. This is exactly how God’s kingdom works; from the small to the big, from the inside to the outside! It is inconspicuously small at the beginning, but will spread more and more. That is what we call heaven on earth!
A very important basis for the togetherness of the generations in the family is the fifth commandment, which Paul draws through the mouths of the Ephesians like a bacon: « «Honour your father and your mother» – that is the first commandment, which is connected with a promise, with the promise: «Then it will go well with you, and you will live long on this earth».»(Ephesians 6:2f NCC). Honouring father and mother has an extraordinarily positive effect:
- You will be fine. The Greek expression eu ginomai (become good) brings the sign eu (good) into your life. Everything will be fine!
- You will live long on this earth. Long life is synonymous with being blessed. The original text says: «Then you will live long in the land that the Lord your God will give you»(Exodus 20:12 NL). God addresses the land of Canaan promised to Israel. He who honours his father and mother will live in the promises of God.
Honouring the parents multiplies life! It gives life a new dimension and a deep satisfaction. It is heaven on earth!
Honour father and mother
A first important observation is that it does not say: «Honour your parents», but «Honour your father and mother». We cannot honour our parents across the board. Therefore, it is important that we look at the relationship with our father and mother individually.
The word honour in the original Hebrew sense means give someone their weight. It is clear that this looks different in every phase of life. But it is always about respecting, respecting and strengthening the position of father and mother. For children, this means being obedient: «O children, obey your parents! This is how the Lord wants it, to whom you belong; this is good»(Ephesians 6:1 NGÜ). That is where it starts. It is of high importance that children learn to listen to their parents and – without constant contradiction – to obey. It is up to the father and mother to train this with their children, and not only when the children understand the meaning behind each instruction. In turn, parents also have a task: «And you fathers, conduct yourselves towards your children in such a way that they have no reason to rebel against you; bring them up with the necessary rebuke and admonition, as the Lord does»(Ephesians 6:4).
The fifth commandment is particularly challenging for teenagers – it is the age when you get the impression that your parents are quite difficult. Slowly but surely, one also realises their weaknesses. In the circle of colleagues, one is often in danger of talking negatively about one’s parents. In the Bible there is an interesting story about the drunken Noah lying naked in his tent (Genesis 9:21ff). His three sons reacted differently: Canaan sees this nakedness and flaunts it. Shem and Japheth, on the other hand, deliberately look away and cover his weakness. Canaan was subsequently cursed and the other two blessed. Honouring father and mother also means being discreet about their foibles and weaknesses.
At the latest in their teenage years, children should be brought up according to the father concept, which is described by the words freedom, consistency and relationship. «Teach your child to choose the right path and when they are older they will stay on that path»(Proverbs 22:6 NL). Children have to learn to decide on their own responsibility and to choose the right path.
The fifth commandment also applies to adult children: «Respect your father and mother, you owe them your life! Listen to them even when they have grown old.»(Proverbs 23:22 GN). However, this exhortation from Solomon is not a free pass for parents to talk into the daily lives of their adult children without being asked, but rather a call for adult children to seek the advice of their father and mother. Children should share responsibility for their ageing parents.
Father and mother abandoned
An elementary condition for adult children to honour their father and mother is that they leave their father and mother have (Genesis 2:24). This does not only apply to children who marry! It is important that all dependencies are dissolved and hearts are turned towards each other in full freedom (Malachi 3:24). The cutting of the umbilical cord is vital and a lifelong process. How many mothers, hundreds of miles away, direct their adult children through the telephone cord as through an umbilical cord! Dear parents of adult children, let them go!
Even Mary, the mother of Jesus, had trouble with this. There are at least two episodes in which Jesus rebukes his mother rather gruffly (Luke 8:19–21; John 2:1ff). At the wedding of Cana, Mary points out to Jesus that they have run out of wine. Jesus then says: «What do I have to do with you, woman?»(John 2:4 Elb). Obviously, Maria crossed a line. Her reaction proves that she understood quickly. She says to the servants: «Do whatever he commands you» (5 NL). The proof that Jesus honours his mother even after abandoning her, he proves on the cross. His pain is unbearable, yet he cares for his mother. He said to John: « «Look, this is your mother now!» Then the disciple took Jesus» mother to himself and cared for her from then on.»(John 19:27 NGÜ). This is perhaps the most outstanding example of honouring parents.
There is a lot of good and blessing in every family. Leaving father and mother means thanking both of them individually. He who has given thanks for what he has received comes into freedom. Ingratitude leaves behind unhealthy dependencies and attachments (Romans 1:21), which results in bondage. It is very important that children thank their father and mother. This should be expressed in a basic attitude that always finds words, because thanks cannot arrive without words. «Thanks for the past, yes for the future», said Dag Hammarskjöld. Gratitude is the greatest force in life. Grateful and expectant people statistically live 7.5 years longer (according to neuropsychologist and brain researcher André Alemann). There we have it again, the long life promised in the fifth commandment! Gratitude is not the consequence of happiness, but the cause of happiness.
But in every family there are also negative imprints. Imperfect sinful parents make mistakes. It is therefore inevitable that in every parent-child relationship, along with much good, there is also – often unconsciously – much failure. We can never do full justice to our children. The fifth commandment includes honouring fathers and mothers who have failed. For this to even be considered, someone must leave their father and mother. Without severing the negative imprints and dependencies, the children’s further lives remain burdened. There is a silent and a loud version of this: either I will constantly reproach father and mother for their mistakes and hold them responsible for my fate, or I am not aware of this dependence and make the same mistakes towards my children, since I am in the Fatherly trapped.
The good news is: Even if you have experienced a lot of stressful things in childhood, you can become free from all negative attachments. The key lies in the «blood that Jesus Christ shed: «You know that you have been ransomed from the meaningless and purposeless life that your forefathers led, and you know what the price was for this ransom: not something perishable like silver or gold, but the precious blood of a sacrificial lamb, which had not the slightest flaw or blemish – the blood of Christ.»(1 Peter 1:18f NCC). Jesus declares that his blood will be shed, «to forgive the sins of many people»(Matthew 26:28b NL). The path to freedom from the negative imprints of parents leads through forgiveness and reconciliation. Such a process can be very painful, depending on the incidents. This path is made much easier when father and mother take the initiative, recognise their omissions and exaggerations, humble themselves and ask for forgiveness. It is more challenging when such reconciling conversations with father and mother are not possible. But even there it is crucial for a child to forgive and release them. In this case, it is a process that takes place alone or better with a pastoral worker at the cross of Jesus. There, one accuses the father and mother individually and concretely, speaks forgiveness to them and releases them into their freedom. When the child has reached a certain level of maturity, he will also recognise his own share of guilt and also ask for forgiveness.
Especially people who had a difficult childhood need to know: «If even father and mother abandon me, the Lord will take me in»(Psalm 27:10 NL). Those who have discovered the open arms of the heavenly Father can more easily deal with the challenges of their own family.
Leaving father and mother brings about freedom and opens up the possibility for us to live a reflected life for the glory of God! But this path of gratitude and forgiveness or reconciliation has to be taken concretely.
Mutual caring
A family is always about mutual responsibility. Paul challenges the children to care for their ancestors: «However, if a widow has children or grandchildren, they are first of all responsible for her. They should show their reverence for God by fulfilling their family duties and showing gratitude to their mother and grandmother for all they have received from her, for this pleases God»(1 Timothy 5:4 NCC). Even in times of social insurance, people should take responsibility for each other within the family. The social trend is rather to take care of the parents or grandparents. But the Bible speaks of «caring». When adult children care for their parents out of freedom, and not out of a sense of duty or bad conscience, and value them in this way, they honour the father or mother.
But Paul also appeals to father and mother: «For if someone does not care for his loved ones, especially those who live under the same roof with him, he denies the faith and is worse than someone who does not believe in Christ»(1Timothy 5:8 NGÜ). Parents» responsibility for their children lasts not only for the first 20 years of life, but for as long as necessary. Sometimes parents say: «Now I’ve spent a lifetime cramping and now I’m just enjoying it for once. Now I sit in the garden of my 7‑room detached house, pull out some weeds and light the barbecue!» But the Bible says: «You have a social responsibility towards the younger generations.«The financial blessing you have experienced should also become a blessing for your children. I want to encourage you to also take social responsibility towards your children with what God has entrusted to you in terms of financial blessings. It is the biblical principle of caring for each other.
The goal in the coexistence of generations is not independence, but hearts turned towards each other in freedom! «He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that at my coming I will not have to destroy the land»(Malachi 3:24 NL). Hearts turned towards one another are a blessing for the family and, moreover, a sustaining force for the whole country!
Possible questions for the small groups
Read the Bible text: Ephesians 6:1–4
- Where do you observe that the promises that lie on the fifth commandment actually come true?
- What does it mean for you in the current situation to honour father and mother?
- What does mutual care or responsibility between generations mean? What is your challenge upwards and downwards?
- Where are you in the process of leaving your father and mother? To what extent are your hearts already turned towards each other in freedom?
Practical tip: Until the next time, honour your mother and father in a very concrete way!
