Stranger at home
Series: Welcome home | Bible text: Luke 15:25–31
The elder son in the parable is a stranger in his own home and lives a bitter «orphan mentality». All the wealth of the father would be available to him, but he does not use it. How can the change from such a lifestyle to a son or daughter mentality and thus to a liberated Christianity happen?
Home is the place where I am unconditionally accepted and can give myself as I am. There I can also sometimes show off a «scolding» and it gets a bit uncomfortable. On the other hand, you also share the joys, you stand up for each other, empathise with each other and do everything when someone in the family suffers or is attacked.
«But you may say: «With the Lord I am safe! Yes, with God, the Most High, you have found a home.»(Psalm 91:9). With God, we are allowed to feel just as unconstrained and free as in a healthy family at home! Through faith in Jesus Christ we are God’s daughter or son and belong to His family. There we are also allowed to show our Monday face and put our feet on the table.
Servant or son
For me, the story of the father with the two lost sons is the strongest image of home in the Bible. The image of the elder son makes me very sad. For many years he must have felt left out and pushed into a corner in his father’s house. All his frustration is expressed in the following sentences: «But he reproached his father: «I have served you for so many years now and have never disobeyed your orders. And yet you have never given me even one goat so that I could have celebrated with my friends! And now this man comes back, your son, who has made your fortune with whores, and you have the fatted calf slaughtered for him!» (Luke 15:29,30; NGÜ).
The older son adapted and outwardly did what was expected of a son. At the same time, he always had the feeling that he was getting a raw deal. He sees the three gifts that the younger son received, these signs of sonship. But what he doesn’t see is that he has all that too. That is why he is envious and feels taken back. Outwardly he was at home with his father, but his heart is far away.
He felt more like a servant than a son. He also says this: «You know: All these years I have slaved for you like a slave, I have never disobeyed you. […]»(Luke 15:29; GN). The elder son represents the religious of that time. Those who had just reproached Jesus that His behaviour was inappropriate. He stands for all the people who think they can impress God through right behaviour. This son has not even begun to understand what grace means. It is as clear as day to him that the Father’s pleasure is earned through deeds.
He did not break away from his father. He always fitted in and did what was asked of him. He did not understand that the Father’s love and acceptance depend neither on his good nor on his brother’s bad behaviour. I agree with Henri Nouwen when he says: «I have no difficulty identifying with the elder son who complained. When I look deeply into my own life and then look around at the lives of others, I wonder what does more harm: greed or resentment. Among the upright and righteous there is so much resentment and curmudgeonliness, among the saints there is so much prejudice, so much condemnation. Among the people who shun sins with so much zeal, there is so much repulsive coldness.»
It is not uncommon in families that children are unable to form an emotional bond with their father or mother. This happens, for example, when one of the parents is emotionally or spatially absent, when children are neglected or even abused. Such strangeness at home is the stuff of many sad life stories. If people are then supposed to build up a relationship with the heavenly Father with such experiences in their luggage, there are often also attachment problems. There is simply no sense of home.
The elder son lived a slave existence by his own choice as a son, the father did not demand this. On the contrary: «His father said to him: «Look, my dear son, you and I are very close, and everything I have is yours».»(Luke 15:31, NL).
Orphan or daughter / son mentality
There are many sad stories of orphans adopted by parents in Switzerland. These children come to their adoptive parents with great deficits. Many parents almost despair at this task of filling the children’s deficit. And indeed, in some cases, with a lot of love and time, it is possible to heal the mentality of the children..
This alienation from home has great effects. This will now be shown in a comparison of an orphan mentality with a daughter or son mentality. I have noticed how much orphan mentality is expressed in my relationship with Heavenly Father.
Orphan Child Mentality (OFM): There is never enough. There is a fear that there will be too little, that others will get a bigger piece of the cake and that I will fall short. Eight hungry mouths had to be fed at our table. To make this more successful, we had a filling soup beforehand. Then it was time to start. Subliminally determined by the feeling that we were coming up short, we set a horrendous eating pace so as not to suddenly find ourselves sitting in front of the empty pan. Son-daughter mentality (STM): There is more than enoughIt is enough for me, it is enough for all in the Father’s house. They know their heavenly Father, of whom it is said: «Be merciful, as your Father is merciful. […] Give, and it shall be given unto you. A full measure, pressed down, shaken and overflowing, will be given into your bosom» (Luke 6:36–38; Lut).
WKM: Compares with others. This can be accompanied by pride when you look down on others, or by envy and jealousy when you look up at others. It is very difficult when you always have to compare. There are always points where you lose. You look at other people’s possessions, at their holiday destinations, at their talents, at their children. And depending on that, you feel superior or just bad. Relationships in which you compare are difficult. STM is happy about what others have more of or can do better. This mentality enables carefree relationships.
WKM: Good behaviour out of fear of being rejected or given away. Out of fear of no longer belonging, one ingratiates oneself and draws attention to oneself. STM: Does not need to set the scene or push forward.
WKM: Fear of being passed over, of missing out. One struggles for love and acceptance («I’ll show them what I can do»), one defends one’s position in the company or in the church. These people often live beyond their limits because they think they have to prove it to everyone. STM: Security not to be overlooked or to miss something. Such people can give up positions and are happy when others come to the fore.
WKM: It must remain as it has always been. Change can call into question what one has worked for. Often, therefore, processes of change degenerate into bossiness. In churches, there are arguments about trivialities. Because I want to feel safe, things have to stay the way they have always been. People with a son or daughter anchorage in the father’s house live fatherhood, even when things don’t exactly go the way they think. They only want one thing: that new daughters and sons mature from their fatherhood. That is why they accompany change benevolently.
WKM manipulated and must control. When you can no longer control it, you throw in the towel and say someone else should do it. STM multiplies. She guides others and notices that her own task changes.
WKM produces orphans. STM produces sons and daughters.
WKM puts people in relationships of dependency. STM makes others successful.
WKM holds people. She cannot lose control and she cannot give up entitlements. It can also forgive badly because then it no longer has the right to keep others in prison. STM can let goeven if it hurts. Because she can give up entitlements, she can forgive.
It is difficult to work with people who live an orphan mentality (marriage, work, church, neighbourhood). In such situations I try to realise that someone is not reacting against me, but from an experience that is not yet healed.
Bitter or holy
In Rembrandt’s painting of the Prodigal Sons, these facts stand out. The elder son has taken the cloak around him. He is not covering or protecting anyone else. His gaze is directed downwards in a condemning manner towards the father and the other son and their emotional greeting. He assumes a condemnatory or even judgmental attitude. In contrast, the father puts his cloak over his son. With the maternal, delicate hand he strokes the son’s back and with the masculine, stronger hand he grasps him by the shoulders and gives him security.
With Henri Nouwen I ask myself: «Can the elder son in me come home? Can I be found as the younger son was found? How can I repent when I am lost in bitterness, entangled in envy, when obedience and duty, lived like an enslavement, keep me imprisoned? It is clear that alone, out of myself, I cannot find myself. Still less, as the younger son, can I heal myself.»
Can orphan mentality be cured? Of course, but not out of ourselves. The parable says: «The elder brother became angry and would not go into the house. Then his father came out and spoke well to him»(Luke 15:28; NGÜ). The father is as proactive with the older son as he was with the younger. To each one as he needs it. Then he says to him: «Child, you are always with me, and everything that is mine is also yours»(Luke 15:31; NGÜ). In the Greek word for child «teknon» there are a very affectionate form of address. The Father puts all His love and acceptance into this word.
There is powerful healing in this speech. God wants to lay his Father’s and Mother’s hand on you. You have robe, ring, sandals! And then it is important to admit to yourself where the inner anger, the bad mood, the self-doubt come from. You must not always blame others and then just change jobs or churches.
The orphan mentality can be healed through trust and gratitude. On the healing path, it is important to practise great gratitude for what is in life. We do not have to live out of lack, but out of gratitude. «Child, you are always with me, and everything that is mine is yours.«This sentence must be deeply anchored in our hearts. Our Father in heaven shares everything with us. He gives us gifts. In order to breathe this in deeply, we have to walk the path from the servants in the field to the banqueting hall again and again. Some people find it helpful to do this symbolically, by opening a door and walking through and letting the Father speak to them.
The most central thing is the work of the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit who guides us into all truth. We can only practise a life of trust and gratitude if we have the Spirit of God. And then perhaps it also needs pastoral care, a person who speaks these truths to you again and again and helps to remove obstacles. There are too many Christians who do not (yet) live in a daughter or son mentality.
In Romans 11 Paul writes that the Jews are to be made jealous by the faith of the Gentiles. Does your environment become jealous because of your life in the Father’s house? Could the Gospel really land with you? An orphan mentality repels. A son or daughter mentality makes you jealous. We want people around us to get jealous and say, «I want that too!»
Possible questions for the small groups
Read the Bible text: Luke 15:25–31
- Why do orphans or even adopted children sometimes find it difficult to build trust in a new family?
- Try to empathise with the older son. Where do you find ways of thinking or behaving that sound familiar?
- Do you know such attachment disorders to the heavenly Father? What could be the cause of it?
- In which points of the described «orphan mentality» do you also need healing?
- How could we grow more into the son or daughter mentality and thus live a contagious faith?
