Daughter and son identity
Series: Welcome home | Bible text: Genesis 1:27; Luke 15:21–24
In the parable in Luke 15, when the son returned home after a long time, his father presented him with a splendid dress, a finger ring and shoes. In addition, he slaughtered the fatted calf and threw a feast. All this means that the returnee was granted the identity of a son. Fathers and mothers also have the task of speaking identity to their children and this also in their gender.
«What is to shine in the fatherland must begin in the home.«This series of topics looks at the impact of the family on the lives of individuals and society. A few weeks ago I presented how God as a father deals with his children. One point was called: God as Father speaks identity. People with a healthy identity is what the world needs. Speaking identity is therefore one of the biggest tasks in the family and is tantamount to giving children a good root system.
Identity as a person
Jesus tells a parable in which the younger son makes an inheritance advance and leaves his boring home with the aim of finally enjoying life. After some time, however, he comes back to his father «like a beaten dog»: «His son said to him: «Father, I have sinned, against heaven and also against you, and am no longer worthy to be called your son». But his father said to the servants, «Quick! Bring the best clothes in the house and put them on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And slaughter the calf we fattened in the stable, for my son here was dead and has come back to life. He was lost, but now he is found.» And a joyful feast began»(Luke 15:21–24 NL).
At this reunion, the father does not first talk about the son’s behaviour, but about his identity through strong symbols:
The best dress: By presenting the best dress, the relationship is restored. «Jacob loved Joseph more than his other sons because he had only been born to him in his old age. Therefore, one day he had Joseph made a splendid robe»(Genesis 37:3 NL). The gift of a magnificent dress is an expression of the father’s love. It was Joseph’s undoing because he attracted the envy of his brothers. That is why they sold him to Egypt. Many years later he is made viceroy there: «And Pharaoh said to Joseph: «Hereby I give you authority over all Egypt». Then he put his royal signet ring on his finger. He gave him precious robes and put a golden chain around his neck.» (Genesis 41:41f NL). The man who no longer felt worthy enough to be called «son» and wanted to go home as a day labourer, is appointed as deputy father. The covering of the splendid garment is also an expression of forgiveness and covering of shame. In a prophetic text an angel says: « «Take off his filthy garments.» And to Yeshua he said, «Hereby I have taken away your sin, and now let you put on festive garments.» «(Zechariah 3:4 NL). A father forgives and covers the shame. It is so important that father and mother cover up weakness in the children and not laugh about it. Cynicism exposes.
A ring for his finger: The son who has squandered his entire inheritance is reinstated as heir. Without the good man having to affirm that he will never again engage in such shenanigans, he is again given full trust. He gets back exactly what he has just failed in. Do we also keep giving our children new chances? From the story of Pharaoh and Joseph we learn that the ring also has the meaning of the transfer of authority. The son’s authority is restored.
Sandals for his feetBarefootness means abandonment of rights, loss of honour or imprisonment (2 Samuel 15:30). The son receives the footwear of prestige. His position in the family is restored.
The fatted calf: At that time, a family fattened a calf in case unexpected guests of honour appeared. The wicked son is considered the guest of honour. And then the party starts. Do our children always learn that they are guests of honour?
The son, who deserved a telling off, is simply given his identity. The father impressively shows him that his value does not depend on his actions, but on his being. Our children need to experience again and again that they are loved unconditionally – especially when they have failed and their behaviour has been insufficient. When our children have to assert themselves in a difficult environment, Silvia and I always pray the same prayer: «Father in heaven, show them who they are before you!«If children do not know who they are, they will become the plaything of their environment, they will have to struggle with inferiority and, in order to belong, they will have to do things that do not correspond to their convictions. Tell your children again and again: «You are our beloved daughter, you please us!» «You are our beloved son, I cherish you very much!«This provides them with a strong root system for a secure stand.
Teachers were told that some students were highly gifted. Although this was not true, it was found that this anticipated positive assessment was confirmed later on. This was made possible by the teacher conveying his expectations to the students in subtle ways, such as personal attention, waiting for a student response, frequency and strength of praise and reprimand, or a high performance demand. This is called the Pygmalion effect. And it also plays out in the home. If we think big about our children, grant them the great identity in Jesus» name, they will become more and more what they already are in our eyes.
Identity as a woman or man
«Thus God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them»(Genesis 1:27 NL). There is man and woman. The genetic difference between man and woman is 1.5%. This is not much, but when you consider that the difference between a man and a monkey is also 1.5%, it is still quite a lot. Even though we cannot say that women are like this or like that, we can still talk about masculinity and femininity.
Extensive studies have been done on this difference in 53 countries. If you take the physical characteristic of height, for example, you find that women are on average 165 cm long and men 178 cm. People over 191cm are still 5% women, while people under 152cm are only 5% men. The overlap of the two Gauss curves is 50%. If you add a second physical characteristic like muscle strength, the overlap becomes smaller. This has now been done with many physical, mental and cognitive traits and lo and behold: clear female and male characteristics emerge:
Dimension of corporeality (fem.): The closeness to life, vulnerability, fertility and sensitivity. Further: Sense of aesthetics and beauty, value on outer appearance, more eating disorders, aptitude for intuition, is more sexually desired, higher social adaptation – less self-assertion, psychic warmth, etc.
Dimension of corporeality (masc.): The strength, aggression, robustness, self-confidence and stress resistance. Further: throw more accurately and are better able to assess trajectories, more competitive, higher self-assertion and dominance – less social adjustment, more self-confidence – less apprehension, tendency to narcissism, communicate more roughly and coarsely in childhood, assesses his abilities better, etc.
Father and mother have different tasks in parenting. A mother covers more of the children’s basic needs such as closeness and security. Fathers have a great responsibility in initialising the sex of the children. We know today that the gender identity of a child comes from the man: he provides the decisive chromosome. The confirmation and formation of our identity and sexuality – for both men and women – happens primarily through the father. This does not mean that the mother plays no role in this process – of course she does. But the drawing of a child’s identity into the affirmation of masculinity or femininity happens through the man. That’s how God has set it up. You do that by speaking into your children’s lives and by emotionally connecting with your children, building a relationship, getting to know and understand their world. This is how character and identity is built. That is why it is important to involve other men in the absence of a father.
Let us speak to our children about their identity as men and women. A girl should learn from her father that she is beautiful. Why not go clothes shopping with the daughter and advise her in the process? It is also important that the father not only values logical conclusions, but also intuitive ones. For boys, competition is important. They want to measure their strength and find out that they are strong. Recently I went to see the war film «Midway» with my son. It was a real boys» night out. It’s okay for a boy to speak a little more crudely than a girl.
Dimension of the mind (f): Emotional intelligenceempathy, emotionality, kindness and sensitivity. Further: more contact-oriented, holds more eye contact, smiles more at the other person, language more adapted to the child, more depression and anxiety disorders, feels comfortable in a two-person relationship, etc.
Dimension of the mind (m): Emotional stability. Less empathy, higher factual orientation, higher emotional robustness – less sensitive and touchy-feely, less affective mental disorders, more comfortable in the pack, etc.
It is important to value the emotionality of girls and not to describe them as «sensitive» or their behaviour as «talkative». Boys, on the other hand, are not «stakes» if they do not immediately perceive every mood and sometimes move somewhat clumsily in the social space.
Dimension of the intellect (f): Social competence, confidence, associative thinking, language versatility. Next: Relationship-oriented Person-oriented occupations, more talented with language, can repeat the meaning of a text better, start talking earlier, trusting – less suspicious, less dyslexia, more conscientious, emotional problem solving, emphasise more often how much interlocutors mean to them, talk about social issues, etc.
Dimension of the intellect (m): The objectivitySystematisation ability, linear thinking, specialisation, spatial imagination, abstraction. Further: interest in facts, linear thinking and goal-oriented, focussed problem solving, better able to distinguish between the essential and the unessential, autism and Arsperger’s syndrome clustered, twice as many speech disorders (stuttering), talks more about systems than about relationships, etc.
What happens when boys repress their own masculinity? Repressed masculinity becomes irrelevant, moody and weak as a flag in the wind. Women go to counselling centres and say: «He’s not manly enough for me. A good man, politically correct and all sorts, and I chose him to be harmless. But now he’s too harmless for me.«Repressed femininity becomes indifferent, cold and closes itself off to life. But you can also fall off the horse on the other side! When men repress the alien gift, i.e. find masculinity super and femininity stupid, they become emotionally reckless, sexually disinhibited, violent and nerdy. When women repress the alien endowment, their social competence turns into scheming and assaultive, their empathy into emotional instability and their sense of life wants attention to a great extent, which they try to achieve through exaggerated behaviour.
Dear fathers and mothers, consciously deal with these differences so that you can speak to your sons and daughters about their identity as men and women respectively. Their difference is good, needs understanding and should be supported verbally again and again. Women are different. Men too. Thank God! Everyone benefits when men are male and women are female. Eros is the unconscious attraction of the sexes and thrives on difference. Dr Jean Twenge, a psychologist, says that the attraction of the sexes has decreased among Millenials. They have less desire for sex and fewer partnerships. Asexuality is a new phenomenon of our time. A pity, really!
After Jesus had sent out 72 disciples in groups of two to the villages, they returned full of joy: «Lord, even the demons obey us when we cast them out in your name!»(Luke 10:17). They rejoiced in their actions, in their achievement for Jesus. Jesus then points them to their identity: «Jesus replied: do not rejoice that evil spirits obey you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.» (20). Let us rejoice in our position as children of God and as men or women and not in our actions! The basis for this is laid in the parental home.
Possible questions for the small groups
Read Bible text: Luke 15:21–24; Luke 10:17–20
- How would you describe the reception of the returning Son in the Father’s house? What does the father (not) do?
- What do these symbols from the parable mean for our relationship with God and for our dealings with our own children?
- Why is our identity so important for a happy life?
- What significance do father and mother have for the initialisation of gender in children?
- What should be looked out for in girls? What should boys pay attention to?
