Healing for broken families
When the first people decided not to trust in God, family relationships also broke down. There has been much failure and pain in marriages and families ever since. Already in the second generation there was a fratricide and the murderer asked the question: «Shall I be my brother’s keeper?» The answer is a resounding yes. God is committed to the reconciliation of families. A basic prerequisite for this is forgiveness, which is able to sever even the line of curses across the generations.
There is the saying «Under every roof an Ach». Often families seem pretty perfect when you look at them from the outside. When you take a closer look, it is not uncommon for cracks and fractures to appear. Over the last few months of the rebuilding period, Silvia and I were made aware of our differences. There were considerable tensions. Not only between us. Recently, a man who lives separately from his wife told me that the worst thing for him was that no one asked about him. A woman wrote to me: «But maybe it’s also because as a single childless woman in my mid-forties, I just don’t really belong anywhere. It’s often painful for me as a single person to be so alone and have to deal with all the family issues, marriage and children. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. […]«Recently, the keyword «Pfäfers» came up in a conversation. Immediately, a film started playing inside me. About 30 years ago, I took my younger brother there to the psychiatric clinic for drug rehab. He was locked in a padded cell and the pain stuck in my throat like a lump. My brother was not up to the pressure in our family. Instead of building each other up and encouraging each other, we found ourselves in a relentless competition. His way out was drugs. Why is there so much brokenness, abuse, unfulfilled longing, violence and divorce in our families?
In search of clues
It was not meant to be. In Genesis 1, God created man and woman in the image of God. Both had the same calling and the same ability to exercise dominion. In Genesis 2, the two individuals become one. It is the most powerful example of the web of connections in creation. The unity of man and woman is the impressive image of God’s Trinity.
Immediately after the fall we see a distortion in the family unit. The effects of people no longer being under the shalom of God are the breach of trust between husband and wife (Genesis 3:12) and pain in childbearing (v.16). The woman longs for her husband (v.16), but the man is focused on his work in tilling the dry ground (v.15,17–18). This problem is still well known today: the man is focused on his work and gets his value from it. The woman is in many cases more focused on relationship, on the you. It is not for nothing that the love language of many women is togetherness and that of many men is praise and recognition. We still suffer from the consequences of the case in our family relationships today.
It is not long before the sin of the parents is reflected in the sons Cain and Abel in the next generation. «After some time, Cain sacrificed part of his harvest to the Lord. And Abel also offered unto him of the firstborn lambs of his flock, and of their fat» (Genesis 4:3f NLB). Next it says that God accepted the sacrifice of Abel with great appreciation and paid no attention to the sacrifice of Cain. Probably the most apt interpretation is that Abel with his sacrifice expresses great trust in Godbecause he offers Him his very best. He believes that God would provide well for him. Cain, on the other hand, reserves the best for himself and gives God what is left over. God expresses that He is not impressed by this act. Cain interprets this lack of appreciation for his victim as a lack of appreciation for him as a person. To clear up this misunderstanding, God sets out and comes to Cain: «If you have good in mind, you can look everyone in the face. But if you plan evil, sin is already lurking at your door. It wants to bring you down, but you master it!» (Genesis 4:7 Hfa). God invites Cain to show his love and trust in Godby also sacrificing his best fruits of the field. Unfortunately, however, Cain walks in the footsteps of his parents by rejecting God and seeking his own path to peace.
Cain thinks he is in competition with his brother and is consumed by envy and jealousy. Therefore he proposes to Abel: «Come on, let’s go to the field together!»(v.8 Hfa). The two set out and a family drama ensues: Cain kills his brother. Sin separates. Sin dominates Cain and leads to the final form of separation.
«And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said: I know not; shall I be my brother’s keeper?»(V.9 LUT). Let us remember the story of creation in which man was given the task of preserving creation (Genesis 2:15). The Hebrew word for Guardian (shamar) is the same and means protect, maintain, promote. Shamar clarifies what it means to exercise dominance.
The result
When God spoke about idols, he gave the following instruction: «You shall not worship them or prostrate yourself before them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God! I do not leave unpunished the sins of those who hate me, but I take care of the children for the sins of their parents, even to the third and fourth generation. But to those who love me and obey my commandments, I will be merciful to the thousandth generation.» (Exodus 20:5–6 NLB).
The problem of brokenness in families is that it continues down the generational line. Creation functions in a fine network of relationships. This is already clearly visible in the original families of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Thus we encounter certain eating behaviours and sexual aberrations in all generations. The verse is not primarily to be understood as God punishing the children and children’s children, but that the sin of the parents affects their children up to the fourth generation. At that time, a Hebrew household consisted of up to four generations with between 12 and 15 people. The failure of the progenitor affected the whole household. This is why sinful patterns creep through the generational succession in a family; be it addictions, abuse, lack of submission to authority, divorces, etc.
The following family story is an example of brokenness and healingJacob had a total of twelve sons by his two wives, Leah and Rachel, and by their maidservants. Joseph was the firstborn son of Jacob’s favourite wife Rachel. Unfortunately, she died during the birth of the second son Benjamin. Joseph thus grew up in a patchwork family with ten stepbrothers and no mother of his own. Jacob loved Joseph more than the other sons. Perhaps he unconsciously wanted to compensate for his beloved Rachel. Joseph’s preferential position was underpinned by a beautiful, long dress created by Jacob. It was a special sign of sonship. Joseph soaked up his father’s special treatment. The brothers could not stand his father’s love for Joseph. After Joseph also told them about his dreams of how he will rule over his brothers, a huge hatred ignited.
When an opportunity arose in the field far from his father, they tore Joseph’s garment off his body and threw him into a well. They would have left him there to die miserably, but then came up with the idea of selling Joseph as a slave to Egypt. It was a tragedy that caused a deep rift in the family fabric and broke Jacob’s heart.
Families are still breaking up today. What remains is the terrible pain of separation. Just as the union of two people into one person is a spiritual reality, separation has a spiritual implication. Divorce often brings wounds and pain.
The restoration
The story of Joseph continues in Egypt: «The Lord helped Joseph and let him succeed in everything while he worked in the house of his Egyptian master»(Genesis 39:2 NLB). The Lord was with Joseph. This sentence is repeated again and again. The Lord was with Joseph in prison. The Spirit of God was in Joseph as he interpreted Potiphar’s dreams and saved Egypt through seven years of famine. God moved Pharaoh to fill the hole in Joseph’s soul by giving him a signet ring, beautiful clothes, a wife and a new name. In the midst of his pain, Joseph found God and realised that this was enough. He went forward with God and God honoured him. This is an important encouragement to all who suffer from brokenness in the family. The Lord is with you! Go on with this God, he will give you glory.
A few years later, the story took an ironic turn when the brothers came to Egypt to buy grain. The first time, they did not recognise Joseph. Josef, on the other hand, immediately started family therapy. One of the brothers had to go to prison as bail. Only if they bring their youngest brother Benjamin with them next time should he be released. Through this demand, the brothers were confronted with their previous crime. On the way home they said to each other: «All this happened only because of what we did to Joseph a long time ago. We saw his fear when he begged us for mercy, but did not listen. Now we must atone for it» (Genesis 42:21 NLB).
For the restoration of families, it is necessary to get to the cause of the fractures. When there is insight of guilt, there is the possibility of forgiveness by God and by people. Such a process of forgiveness is the condition for healing.
Later, when Joseph revealed himself to his brothers, he said: «I will provide for you so that you and your family do not become poor, for there are still five years of hunger ahead of us» (Genesis 45:11 NLB). With these words Joseph answered Cain’s question: «Shall I be my brother’s keeper?» The answer is yes. We are for each other in our families shamar (guardian, promoter, servant)!
Joseph, from his position in government, shows us that God wants faith-filled people to bless society, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, be a father to the fatherless, visit the captives and bless the whole nation. As people who bear responsibility, we are particularly challenged to give a face to the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. «YesJoseph says, «we are our brother’s keeper.»
It is a spiritual pattern that breaks in a family show up again in the next generations. Therefore shamar also that we set our children free. Shamar could mean that we seek conversation with our mature children, have an open conversation about success and failure, stand by our guilt and ask for forgiveness. In prayer, the «curse line» can be broken and the blessing line strengthened. Forgiveness is the antidote to brokenness in the family and the basis for healing.
An important building block on the path to healing is the community of followers of Jesus. Jesus says: «He who does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother»(Mark 3:35 NLB). Joseph found a substitute family with Pharaoh. We can Guardian be for each other!
The «very good» of creation was put to rest by the Fall. Jesus» response to this is his very good gospel acquired through death and resurrection, which includes the restoration of destroyed families. «For you know that God did not buy you off with perishable values such as silver or gold from your former life, which you lived as generations before you. He paid for you with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, who became the sacrificial Lamb of God, pure and without sin.» (1 Peter 1:18f NLB). That is exactly what my brother has experienced. He is free – not only from drugs, but he experiences the wonderful freedom of God’s children. Because God has no favourite children, you can experience that too!
Questions for the small groups
Read Bible text: Exodus 20:5–6; Genesis 4:9; Genesis 45:11
- Where do you see the consequences of the Fall in family relationships in your environment?
- What would it mean to be «the brother’s keeper»?
- What does it take for family wounds to be healed and «curse lines» to be separated? Is there a need for this in your family?
- Why did Joseph send his brothers home with the order to bring their youngest brother?
- Who could you be a sister or brother to in the community of the Church?
- In the seetal chile there is the mentoring team who will gladly support you on the way to reconciled relationships!
