From forgiveness to reconciliation
Series: Follow me | Bible text: Matthew 5:23f; 18:15–17
The third dimension of Christian forgiveness is reconciliation with the person with whom we are in conflict. The actual aim of forgiveness is to rebuild a trusting relationship. This happens by clearly naming and repenting of our own part in the conflict. We then offer forgiveness to the other person and declare that we will not make amends. Furthermore, Jesus demands that we overcome evil with good.
There are three basic dimensions of Christian forgiveness. Firstly, there is the vertical dimension – God’s forgiveness towards us. Secondly, there is the internal dimension – the forgiveness we grant to anyone who has wronged us. Thirdly, there is the horizontal dimension – our willingness to reconcile. Martin Luther-King: «We can never say: «I will forgive, but I want nothing more to do with you». Forgiveness means reconciliation and rapprochement.»
Last Sunday, a good question was asked in the livestream: «I was very hurt as a child. But they all died. How can I forgive them?» It is important that we get clarity here: We should always forgive the person who is guilty against us! This inner forgiveness does not require a reaction from the other person; neither insight nor remorse, neither reparation nor the certainty that the injustice will not be repeated. It is a promise: not to keep rehashing the matter with the person concerned (apart from the offer of reconciliation), not to bring it up with others and not to keep bringing it up with oneself. When Stephen died and prayed: «Lord, do not hold this sin against them!» (Acts 7:60 NLB), it was clear that the perpetrators showed no remorse, for they stoned and killed him while he was speaking. Nevertheless, Stephen forgave them.
Forgiveness as an inner attitude can happen without reconciliation, but reconciliation cannot happen if inner forgiveness has not already happened. Inner forgiveness changes the attitude of the heart from the desire to make the offender feel pain to the desire for his well-being.
When is confrontation or reconciliation necessary?
«So watch out! If your brother has brought guilt upon himself, rebuke him. If he regrets his actions, then forgive him!» (Luke 17:3 HFA). So should we every time someone does us wrong, rebuke? On the other hand, it says: «[…] love covers many sins» (1 Peter 4:8 NLB). Just as not every cold needs to be treated with medication, we shouldn’t be too sensitive in our relationships either. It complicates a relationship immensely if we make an issue of every little thing where we have been treated unfairly or insensitively. Edith Stein (1891–1942): «Ships get stranded on rocks, human relationships often on pebbles.» The stronger our identity is founded in Christ, the less sensitive and vulnerable we will be. The same love that should cover many sins should also be ready to confront the person I love. Fear of confrontation is not love, but a selfish desire to be loved. We should help others under two conditions:
- If the matter is serious enough to cool down or break off the relationship. Jesus emphasises that the purpose of such a rebuke is to win the other person, i.e. to save the relationship (Matthew 18:15).
- When culpable behaviour against us is part of a pattern of behaviour in which the other person is seriously trapped, which is harmful to them and to others.
How should we do it? «Dear friends, if a person has succumbed to sin, then you, whose lives are governed by the Spirit of God, should lovingly and humbly help this person to get back on the right path. And be careful that you do not fall into the same danger» (Galatians 6:1 NLB). This is absolutely crucial. If we are concerned about the growth of others, we will be loving and gentle. Verses 2 and 3 point out that we should only make correction in all humility. «Make sure you don’t fall into the same danger!» We are often bothered by things in our neighbour that we ourselves like to succumb to. So we need to take care of ourselves.
The following signs indicate that reconciliation is necessary: When I roll my eyes and think: «You idiot. You really can’t get it together.» I hear that the other person has a problem and I feel satisfaction. I get angry about almost everything the other person does. I feel increasingly uncomfortable in the relationship. I start to avoid the other person. I have the opportunity to pass on negative information about the person in question and enjoy it. We hardly speak to each other. The tension is so obvious that it doesn’t go unnoticed by others.
How do we reconcile?
We must realise one thing: reconciliation takes time. Some people believe that they have only reconciled when they can fully trust the other person again. But that is not the case. Horizontal forgiveness means a willingness to do everything possible to restore trust. How quickly and to what extent the relationship can be rebuilt also depends on what and how serious the offence was. Not trusting someone as we used to does not mean that we no longer have a reconciled relationship with that person.
The following two texts guide us on the path of reconciliation:
«So if you are standing in front of the altar in the temple to sacrifice and you suddenly realise that someone has something against you, then leave your sacrifice in front of the altar, go to the person in question and reconcile with them. Only then come back and offer your sacrifice to God» (Matthew 5:23f NLB).
«If a brother has wronged you, go to him and point out his mistake. If he listens to you and admits his guilt, you will have won him back. If you don’t succeed, take one or two others and go to him again together so that everything you say can be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If he still won’t listen, take the case to your church. If the congregation agrees with you, but the other person does not recognise this judgement either, treat him like someone who does not know God or like a corrupt tax collector» (Matthew 18:15–17 NLB).
The first text says what you should do if you yourself have harmed someone else; the second is about what you should do if you believe that someone else has wronged you. However, these passages can also be seen as showing us two steps in the normal process of reconciliation, because rarely is one party alone to blame for a broken relationship. Reconciliation almost always happens best when both sides recognise and forgive wrongdoing – when both sides admit their own wrongdoing and point out the wrongdoing of the other.
Step 1: Name everything I may have done wrong.
- If I have the impression that my behaviour doesn’t account for more than five percent of the problem, I should start with my five percent.
- Then I name the things that I think I have done wrong. Then I ask the other person to add to the list. In their opinion, what did I contribute to the failure of the relationship?
- Then listen to the criticism I have asked for and try to grasp it as clearly and specifically as possible. I am careful not to take a defensive stance. The other person should be given space to express their disappointment. I show understanding, even if I have been misunderstood. I encourage the other person to really put everything on the table.
One trap is to turn your guilty plea into an attack. «If I’ve hurt you, I’m sorry» is such a classic. It means: «If you were a normal person, you wouldn’t have been so upset about what I did.» Actually, you blame the other person.
Genuine realisation of guilt has three aspects: 1. confession before God. 2. admission to the aggrieved party with a request for forgiveness. 3. presentation of a concrete plan for change in order to avoid the misbehaviour in question in the future.
If I really regret my behaviour, I should then name the aspects that I cannot acknowledge as misconduct on my part. «Please, let me explain why I…»
Step 2: Address the ways in which the other person has hurt me.
Often this approach also moves the other person to admit guilt without me having to ask or tease it out. This is the best way to achieve reconciliation. If this does not happen, it is a matter of addressing the other person’s wrongs in a respectful and clear manner. «Here’s what you did…» «And that meant the following for me…» «I think it would be better for everyone involved if you did the following in the future…» The list of what the other person has done should be specific and not vague. The problem should be named, but the person should not be condemned.
If the person concerned recognises their guilt and asks for forgiveness, we are happy to grant it. But what happens if the other person does not want reconciliation even after several attempts? In any case, the following applies: «If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, have with all People Peace» (Romans 12:8 LUT). In the following verses we find a lot of good ideas on how we can still be generous, friendly, open and cordial towards people who are hostile towards us.
But if it affects another follower of Jesus from the same church, the stakes are much higher. Irreconciliation does not only affect individuals, but always the wider community. In this case, Jesus recommends taking the second step: involve some Christian friends (preferably those who are respected by the other person) to help us achieve reconciliation. If this does not work despite intensive efforts, those responsible in the church should be asked to speak to the person concerned. The purpose of such a conversation is not to humiliate, shame or punish the other person, but to appeal to them and convince them. It therefore becomes clear that there must be no irreconcilability within a church. We cannot afford to do this, as it greatly reduces our impact in this world. One of our major tasks is to maintain relationships. This is why it is so important to us that all unreconciled relationships are resolved during this month of forgiveness. Please also reach out to someone in the church leadership if you have been hurt by this church and it is still in your bones. Changing churches is not an option in such a situation, as under these circumstances you are a brake pad in the new place from the outset.
If the dialogue with the church leaders does not lead to reconciliation, «Let him be to you like a heathen and a publican» (Matthew 18:17 LUT). Such a person cannot remain in the fellowship of the church as if nothing had happened. However, it does not mean shunning or ostracising the person concerned, because Jesus was known for seeking contact with tax collectors and sinners. This extreme measure of «church discipline» serves the purpose of winning back the guilty party and restoring his spiritual integrity.
To conclude this trilogy of sermons on forgiveness: The centrepiece of the forgiveness that I grant others is the forgiveness that Jesus gives me. The resources of this divine forgiveness are inconceivably greatOn the one hand it leads to spiritual poverty (identification with the sinner) and on the other hand to spiritual richness (identity in Christ). Reconciled relationships can be built on this.
Possible questions for the small groups
Read the Bible text: Matthew 5:23f; 18:15–17; Luke 17:3
- Why does nothing stand in the way of inner forgiveness, even if the «debtor» lacks insight or has already died?
- Are there relationships in your life that need clarification (confrontation and reconciliation)? What sometimes prevents us from tackling these things?
- What does a model reconciliation process look like? Do you live reconciliation in this way in your family, circle of friends or church?
- What is the linchpin of interpersonal reconciliation work? What is the resource in it? Have you clearly and unambiguously accepted this divine forgiveness for yourself?
