Communication and conflict management
Series: Metamorphosis | Bible text: Ephesians 4:25–27, Colossians 3:13–14
Summary: Many Christians have heard hundreds of sermons, but are amazed and excited when they learn a lot about themselves, about good communication and conflict management in a company staff seminar. Yet the Bible has much to say that is suitable for everyday life. This sermon relates Bible texts to the topics mentioned.
Once a woman had spread rumours about her neighbours and slandered them. This caused a lot of harm. A long time later she repented and asked her neighbour for forgiveness. He gladly forgave her, but asked her for a favour: «Go home and slaughter a chicken and pluck out all its feathers, even the smallest ones, put them in a basket and then walk slowly through the village, scattering a little of the feathers every three steps. Then climb up the church tower and pour the rest down from up there. Then come back to me!» The woman did as she was told. «Fine,» said the neighbour kindly, «now go through the streets and pick up all the feathers that have been scattered.» The woman was startled and said, «But that’s impossible! The wind has scattered them in all directions.» Light as a feather our chatter spreads. How much living neighbourliness and real community is destroyed because we participate in gossip about others. Talking others down makes ourselves seem to grow. Talk is a «begetting process» that can be life-giving or life-destroying, that can make us grow or keep us small. «Those who like to talk must bear the consequences, for the tongue can kill or give life»(Proverbs 18:21 NLB). I hope that no pointed feathers will be blown through our village!
Sometimes companies offer seminars on communication and conflict management. Afterwards, people talk enthusiastically about new horizons that have opened up. Among them are people who have already heard hundreds of sermons. In the Bible there is much relevant and wise help for life, especially on this subject. It is our task to relate these texts to the reality of our lives. What does the Bible say about helpful interaction?
Speech…
«Therefore, put away falsehood [false, untrue] and speak truth, each one with his neighbour! For we are members one of another»(Ephesians 4:25 ELB).
Put away the false and untruthful and speak the truth! Meaning: Don’t fool yourself and the other person. If someone’s words or behaviour have hurt or upset you, don’t gloss over it. Don’t pretend that the whole thing didn’t bother you and don’t just put a cloak of love over it. In most cases this is not a cloak of love, but rather a cloak of conflict avoidance. Moreover, speaking the truth means: Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill, don’t make things up and don’t interpret things that have been said or done in a way that never happened. But above all: talk! Don’t keep things bottled up, don’t close yourself off and don’t just barricade yourself behind a wall of silence and denial.
Why? Because we are connected to each other as members of one body. Every untruth we follow or spread, but also every not speaking out and «just going into retreat», damages this connection. And then there is the danger that the devil uses this thin place to destroy community. My behaviour towards other people affects the whole community. Unfortunately, this understanding has been lost in the course of individualisation. We are members of one body and are bound together for better or worse. Therefore, interpersonal problems are not just private matters.
If we want to prevent conflict, we have to invest in relationships. If we live in good stable relationships, we can endure stressful situations and some controversy with each other without it knocking us off course. This is why Paul did not just preach, but shared lives. «We loved you so much that we not only brought you God’s good news, but also shared our own lives with you» (1Thessalonians 2:8 NLB). Especially in a church like we are, it is so important that we know more about each other than just name and profession. If we are aware of the slumps in our biography, the stress at work or the quarrels in the marriage, we understand each other better and can classify the behaviour differently.
…still today
A time window for this clarification process is provided directly here: We are supposed to sort things out the same day: «Do not sin when you are angry and do not let the sun go down on your anger. Do not give the devil the opportunity to gain power over you through anger!»(Ephesians 4:26f NLB). Do not let anything burn. The longer we postpone the debate, the greater the risk ofthat this initially neutral feeling of anger or annoyance leads us to sinful actions and thoughts, so that the devil gets a foot in the door. I know from myself that not responding often leads to my inner to make things more and more. What the other person may have done thoughtlessly and without so has said or done to mine, we are willingly exactly so interpreted. «He wants me to be…» «He knows exactly…» «He’s done it again, he’s doing it on purpose…» etc. After such thoughts, the devil not only has a foot in the door, but has actually already made himself at home with me.
Another gateway for the devil is talking to others about the situation – something to be avoided at all costs. The conflict you have with someone else is between you and that person. Third, fourth or even fifth parties have no place in this conflict. If we nevertheless involve others in the issue, they will be infected by your anger and also start to develop aversions against the person in question. Like a cancer, metastases are now formed which affect other limbs, so that the whole body becomes ill – terminally ill.
My experience of conflicts in the congregation: when they finally come to light, they often already have a history that goes back months, maybe even years. Often, it all started with a thoughtless remark or an ill-considered behaviour. Presumably, the small disturbance could have been remedied quite easily – if one had already decided at this point to follow the advice of the Bible, to clarify things honestly and, above all, quickly with the person concerned and thus not to give the devil any room.
Reap and forgive
We come from a time – and this is especially true for the 70+ generation – when people mainly complied. It was a time of submission and obedience: to the parents, the superior, the teacher, the elders of the church or the pastor. From that time comes the saying: «Kids who want something get their butts kicked!«Means: You have nothing to want, but you have to do what you are told! You have to obey, submit and submit.
Meanwhile, we were educated to be critical and to have our own opinions. For all the positive development, we tend to fall off the horse on the other side today: the ability to submit and endure a difficult situation goes towards zero. When things no longer suit us, when we feel that we are going against the grain, when things are not going the way we imagined, then we can hardly stand it and break out. A word from Paul speaks to this situation: «Bear with one another and forgive one another when one has grievances against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so have you! But to all this put on love, which is the bond of perfection!»(Colossians 3:13f ELB).
Bear with each other! Even when we have invested in relationship and addressed the conflict directly, the other person does not suddenly become a different person. After the last sermon, someone told me in a pastoral conversation about a difficult relationship and how she is challenged to forgive the other person. And then she said: «But it is still equally patronising.» We cannot change the other, he will remain the same weird bird he has always been – and we will remain weird birds too. So we will have to come to terms with the fact that God has placed this person with these peculiar views and impossible behaviours in our lives. In fact, it is: Only when we also bring with us the ability to endure and submit are we truly capable of community.
Recently one of our children said: The theme Salad dressing will probably accompany you for the rest of your lives. The background to the story is that my wife has the habit of diluting the salad dressing she buys. For me, the taste and viscosity are no longer right. Until now, this has led to discussions. Now I want to endure ;-). Admittedly, there are more essential issues where we have not yet found the common denominator even after 29 years of marriage.
To endure does not come from a helpless victim attitude, but presupposes a spiritual resolve. I submit. I actively choose to endure this Other-Other. But we can only actively endure if we are willing and able to forgive. With forgiveness, we protect ourselves from piling up anger and resentment inside ourselves and eventually running around like pressure cookers threatening to explode at any moment. Apart from that: We live every day from the fact that Jesus forgives us. We are constantly claiming something that we must by no means deny the other.
Someone is said to have once said to a wise man: «Listen, I have something important to tell you about your friend.» «Wait a little», the wise man interrupted him. «Have you already let what you want to tell me pass through the three sieves?» «Which three sieves?» «So listen well! The first sieve is the sieve of truth. Are you convinced that everything you want to tell me is true?» «Not that, I’ve only heard it from others.» «But then you must have let it go through the other sieve? It is the sieve of goodness.«The man blushed and replied: «I must confess, no.» «And did you think of the third sieve and wonder if it would be useful to tell me about my friend?» «Useful – actually not!» «You see», the wise man said, «if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor useful, then you’d better keep it to yourself.»
Possible questions for the small groups
Read the Bible text: Ephesians 4:25–27; Colossians 3:13–14
- To what extent can relationship management be crisis prophylaxis?
- After this sermon, what is your personal plan of action to manage conflict?
- Are there examples where you put up with things from others? Do you do it actively or do you feel like a victim?
- Why is forgiveness absolutely part of the theme Conflict management (Colossians 3:13)? What happens when we bear but do not forgive?
- Speaking is a «procreation process» that can be life-giving or life-destroying. How and where could you be a life-giver in the next week?
