Relationships | Parents – Honour to whom honour is due

All peo­p­le have par­ents and we can­not choo­se them. It is a bibli­cal prin­ci­ple that we should honour our father and mother. This is the key to a ful­fil­led life. The basic pre­re­qui­si­te for being able to honour my par­ents is God’s love for us. Being accept­ed by him makes it pos­si­ble for me to honour my par­ents. When I honour my par­ents, I am ulti­m­ate­ly hono­u­ring God, who has pla­ced me in this family!

Today we are loo­king at the next rela­ti­onship issue that affects all peo­p­le. It is about the bibli­cal prin­ci­ple of hono­u­ring mother and father. I am awa­re that this topic will trig­ger just as many dif­fe­rent reac­tions from the two hundred peo­p­le pre­sent. Becau­se they all have dif­fe­rent back­grounds. The rela­ti­onship ran­ges from bad, through to good. Depen­ding on the situa­ti­on, the­re may have been no sepa­ra­ti­on from the par­ents, a par­ti­al sepa­ra­ti­on, a good sepa­ra­ti­on or even a sepa­ra­ti­on from the par­ents. Some of us still have living par­ents, some only have one parent and others have no bio­lo­gi­cal par­ents. When I talk about par­ents, I don’t just mean bio­lo­gi­cal par­ents. The­re are also other peo­p­le who deser­ve honour. Such peo­p­le and/or bio­lo­gi­cal par­ents exist in every life. The­r­e­fo­re, the topic of hono­u­ring par­ents is rele­vant for everyone.

One of Jesus Christ’s most famous state­ments con­cerns the ques­ti­on of the most important com­mandment. Here Jesus gives a two-part ans­wer. «Jesus repli­ed: «You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind! That is the first and most important com­mandment. Ano­ther one is just as important: «Love your neigh­bour.ä«The «most like yourself» »
(Matthew 22:37–39 NLB). Jesus quo­tes two bibli­cal pas­sa­ges from the Old Tes­ta­ment here, refer­ring to the Ten Com­mandments that we heard in the text rea­ding. The­se are divi­ded into two parts. The first four com­mandments refer to the rela­ti­onship with God. From com­mandment num­ber five onwards, it is about the rela­ti­onship bet­ween peo­p­le. So love God first and then your neigh­bour! The call to honour one’s par­ents is the fifth com­mandment and the­r­e­fo­re the start of the second cate­go­ry of com­mandments. «Honour your father and your mother. Then you will live long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you» (Exodus 20:12 NLB). This com­mandment has a spe­cial place in the inter­pre­ta­ti­on of the Ten Com­mandments. Ever­y­thing that fol­lows is based on this com­mandment. Hono­u­ring mother and father is the basis for ever­y­thing that fol­lows, i.e. all love of neigh­bour. I would ven­ture a bold the­sis here: hono­u­ring mother and father is the basis for every rela­ti­onship. Be it in mar­ria­ge, fami­ly, church or state.

Basic prerequisite: The Father’s love for us

Befo­re we get into the rather emo­tio­nal con­side­ra­ti­ons of what it means to honour par­ents, let us first del­ve into the basic pre­mi­se. Name­ly the love of God, the hea­ven­ly Father, for the fol­lo­wers of Jesus. In the Bible, we find the sto­ry of the so-cal­led «Pro­di­gal Son» (Luke 15:11–32). This is a para­ble. This is an inven­ted sto­ry of Jesus Christ, which has immense imagery and con­tent. A father had two sons. One day the youn­ger one deman­ded his share of the inhe­ri­tance and went away with it. He squan­de­red ever­y­thing and ended up on the street – he had hit rock bot­tom. When he no lon­ger knew what to do, he went back to his father. Jesus» lis­ten­ers at the time were groun­ded in the Old Tes­ta­ment. They brought this mind­set with them and that is how they approa­ched such sto­ries. The­re were ins­truc­tions from God that con­dem­ned to death a rebel­lious son who was cha­rac­te­ri­sed by a dis­so­lu­te life of lazi­ness, much eating and drin­king (Deu­te­ro­no­my 21:18–21). Not hono­u­ring one’s par­ents is some­thing serious! So now the son comes back to his father. What does he do with him? «[…]. He was still far away when his father saw him coming. Full of love and com­pas­si­on, he ran towards his son, embra­ced him and kissed him» (Luke 15:20 NLB). He runs to meet his son with open arms. But a father does not run! The father takes him in his arms and kis­ses him! Not a hint of rejec­tion, not a hint of «you did this and that». Yes, it gets even bet­ter! The father orga­ni­s­es a huge cele­bra­ti­on for the son out of pure joy. This accep­tance by this loving father is open to all! This loving father is God! He does not reject you, but accepts you with open arms. No mat­ter what you have done, said or not done or said. He embraces you and says to you: You are my bel­oved daugh­ter, you are my bel­oved son!

But the­re is also a brot­her in this para­ble. He had stay­ed at home the who­le time. He was jea­lous becau­se of his father’s reac­tion. For me, this is a pic­tu­re that I don’t need to be jea­lous of what others have. Becau­se I can come to my hea­ven­ly father, he is so much bet­ter than an earth­ly father can ever be!

I love the church of Jesus becau­se it has so much poten­ti­al. Did you know that we as a church have the poten­ti­al to be a fami­ly for others? Jesus hims­elf said: «[…] All who hear the mes­sa­ge of God and fol­low it are my mother and my brot­hers» (Luke 8:21 NLB). If you have not expe­ri­en­ced such good par­ents, then the church is a good place for you! Here you will find fami­ly! Are you rea­dy to give this fami­ly to others?

Honouring my parents

Only when I rea­li­se, under­stand, expe­ri­ence and feel that I am infi­ni­te­ly loved by God, the hea­ven­ly Father through Jesus, am I rea­dy and able to honour my par­ents uncon­di­tio­nal­ly – espe­ci­al­ly when some­thing is dif­fi­cult. Hono­u­ring my par­ents is not tied to their beha­viour towards me, but depends on the posi­ti­on they have. During my pre­pa­ra­ti­on, I came across a won­derful expres­si­on for par­ents. Par­ents are peo­p­le who have loved me into life! I think this defi­ni­ti­on is won­derful, but I am awa­re that this does not app­ly in indi­vi­du­al cases. Honour does not mean blind obe­dience, but it does mean having respect. Honour means show­ing appreciation.

Hono­u­ring par­ents can be found in various places in the Bible. Our the­me for the year is «EIFACH mue­tig – with Jesus as a role model». How did Jesus do it? «Then he retur­ned with them to Naza­reth and was an obe­dient son to them. His mother kept all the­se things in her heart» (Luke 2:51 NLB). This state­ment is made after an inci­dent when Jesus was twel­ve years old. After that it is quiet around him until he was in his ear­ly thir­ties. So it was bey­ond his teenage years. The avera­ge life expec­tancy in the 1st cen­tu­ry was around for­ty years! Hono­u­ring par­ents is the­r­e­fo­re not just some­thing that is limi­t­ed to child­hood and ado­le­s­cence. Hono­u­ring par­ents is everyone’s busi­ness! But hono­u­ring par­ents is not attrac­ti­ve. Today’s atti­tu­de is rather that of tea­ching par­ents ins­tead of hono­u­ring them!

In the Old Tes­ta­ment, the verb «kbd» is used to honour par­ents. In the noun this is then cal­led «kavod». It has the mea­ning of honour and glo­ry. The glo­ry of God is descri­bed with «kavod». Howe­ver, the verb also has the basic mea­ning of «to lie/to be hea­vy». My inter­pre­ta­ti­on is the­r­e­fo­re also: par­ents deser­ve to be hono­u­red becau­se paren­thood is never simp­le and easy, it is a dif­fi­cult task and the­r­e­fo­re dif­fi­cult. I honour them becau­se I know that they gene­ral­ly make an effort and are limi­t­ed themselves.

In the New Tes­ta­ment the­re are various ins­truc­tions that I should also tre­at other peo­p­le with honour. Here too, they deser­ve honour becau­se it is a dif­fi­cult task! Per­haps dif­fi­cult pre­cis­e­ly becau­se they pre­si­de over me! I honour others becau­se they deser­ve it. In mar­ria­ge, I should sub­mit to my part­ner (Ephe­si­ans 5:21). I am to obey the church lea­der­ship (Hebrews 13:17). Youn­ger peo­p­le are to sub­mit to their elders (1 Peter 5:5) and I am to sub­mit to sta­te aut­ho­ri­ties (Romans 13:1). Hono­u­ring par­ents thus beco­mes the basis for loving our neigh­bour. What I learn in my most natu­ral rela­ti­onship beco­mes the foun­da­ti­on for my who­le life. Peter, one of the first fol­lo­wers of Jesus, sum­ma­ri­ses it as fol­lows: «Honour ever­yo­ne, love your brot­hers and sis­ters, fear God, honour the king!» (1 Peter 2:17 LUT). The Greek word, which stands for honour twice here, is usual­ly trans­la­ted from Hebrew as «kbd».

Four practical tips for honouring your parents

The­re is a lot more to say about fami­ly imprints. About how habits can be pas­sed down through gene­ra­ti­ons and have a posi­ti­ve or nega­ti­ve impact on the fami­ly. But this would go bey­ond the scope of this artic­le. So let’s take the final turn. Hono­u­ring par­ents is easy on the one hand, but on the other it takes a good deal of cou­ra­ge. Espe­ci­al­ly if the rela­ti­onship with them is or was dif­fi­cult. I got some food for thought from the book «The Ten Com­mandments» by Kevin DeY­oung. The four prac­ti­cal tips in par­ti­cu­lar, which I would like to share now, can be tra­ced back to him. The­se can also be appli­ed to other «paren­tal figu­res». Peo­p­le who deser­ve our respect becau­se of their position.

First­ly: say yes! How about the next time we sim­ply say yes? We are asked to do some­thing, how about just say­ing yes and doing it? Not becau­se I have to, but becau­se I want to honour my par­ents by lis­tening to them! No mat­ter how much it goes against the grain.

Second­ly, say thank you! This is some­thing very simp­le, but also very effec­ti­ve. How about sim­ply say­ing thank you? This point can be dif­fi­cult if the rela­ti­onship is not good or even impos­si­ble if the par­ents are alre­a­dy decea­sed. A thank you reco­g­ni­s­es the good inten­ti­on of the other person!

Third­ly: say sor­ry! This step is pro­ba­b­ly the most dif­fi­cult. Ask your par­ents to apo­lo­gi­se for your own mis­con­duct. This can look like this. «I’m sor­ry, I should­n’t have done that, even though I knew it» or «I did­n’t know any bet­ter, but now I do. Plea­se apo­lo­gi­se». Even if par­ents have done a lot or ever­y­thing wrong, I have also been guil­ty of them! Just by tal­king bad­ly about them. This point is cer­tain­ly chal­len­ging for many, if not an affront. If you strugg­le with this thought, then my sug­ges­ti­on is that you look deeper into the para­ble of the Pro­di­gal Son. Invest in the loving father rela­ti­onship. Becau­se this is the foun­da­ti­on for ever­y­thing else.

Fourth­ly: Say hel­lo! How about get­ting in touch with your par­ents? May­be you’­re not rea­dy for the other points yet. But how about say­ing hel­lo? How about giving them a call or pop­ping round this afternoon?

When it comes to hono­u­ring mother and father, it is also about for­gi­ve­ness. It is important and essen­ti­al to for­gi­ve your par­ents! Not just as lip ser­vice, but for real. Hono­u­ring one’s father and mother as the basis for loving one’s neigh­bour also includes for­gi­ve­ness. « «You shall honour your father and mother.» This is the first of the com­mandments to which a pro­mi­se from God is lin­ked.üIf you honour your father and your mother, «you will be fine and you will have a long life» » (Ephe­si­ans 6:1–3 NLB).

My respon­se to the state­ment: «You can talk well, if you had expe­ri­en­ced what I have expe­ri­en­ced, you would­n’t talk like that. You can’t ima­gi­ne what I’ve expe­ri­en­ced.» Yes, that’s true. I can’t ima­gi­ne it and yes, I real­ly haven’t expe­ri­en­ced it. But I don’t have to have expe­ri­en­ced ever­y­thing. I’m glad that not all of you had to expe­ri­ence what I expe­ri­en­ced. But that does­n’t chan­ge the fact that hono­u­ring your par­ents is the key to loving your neigh­bour. When I honour my par­ents, I am ulti­m­ate­ly hono­u­ring God, who pla­ced me in my family!

Possible questions for the small group

Read Bible text: Exodus 20:12; Ephe­si­ans 6:1–3 and/or Luke 15:11–32

1. What kind of rela­ti­onship do you have with your par­ents? What about the sepa­ra­ti­on? How did you expe­ri­ence your child­hood and adolescence?
2. If you have a dif­fi­cult paren­tal rela­ti­onship and find the idea of hono­u­ring your par­ents dif­fi­cult, then look again at the para­ble of the Pro­di­gal Son (Luke 15:11–32).
3. How could you help peo­p­le find fami­ly in the see­tal chi­le? Have you alre­a­dy expe­ri­en­ced this yourself?
4. What is your spon­ta­neous reac­tion to the fol­lo­wing state­ment? «Nowa­days we tend to teach the par­ents ins­tead of hono­u­ring them!»
5. Cha­ri­ty is based on honour towards one’s par­ents. Do you have a recon­ci­led rela­ti­onship with your parents?
6. Which of the four prac­ti­cal tips could be the next one for you? Eit­her in rela­ti­on to your par­ents or in rela­ti­on to other peo­p­le who deser­ve your respect? 1. say yes! 2. say thank you! 3. say sor­ry! 4. say hello!