Relationships | Being friends – even in marriage
Series: EIFACH muetig – with Jesus as a role model | Bible text: Ephesians 5:25–27
Man was created with a relational potential that requires both a vertical relationship with God and a horizontal relationship with people. In a friendship there are natural elements and also supernatural elements. When the two come together, a stronger bond is formed. In a marriage, there is also romantic love. This is the ideal prerequisite for the spouses to support and accompany each other on the path to new creation.
In Genesis 1 and 2, God looks at his creation and repeatedly describes it as «good». It is all the more striking that God says after the creation of the first human being: «It is not good to be alone for the human being. I want to create a being for him that suits him» (Genesis 2:18 NLB). So here is Adam, created by God and placed in the garden of paradise, but the fact that he is alone is «not good». God has created a relational potential in us that is not completely fulfilled by our «vertical» relationship with Him. We were created in such a way that we also need «horizontal» relationships with other people.
Natural aspects of friendship
Friendship has various aspects in the Bible. The book of Proverbs in particular devotes a lot of space to friendship. Let us always ask ourselves first whether we ourselves are such a friend, and not just whether we have such a friend.
Loyalty. «You can always rely on a friend, and a brother is there to help you in times of need» (Proverbs 17:17 NLB). A true friend stands by you more than a brother (Proverbs 18:24); he is always there for you.
Transparency and honesty. True friends encourage and affirm one another (Proverbs 27:9), but they don’t hold back with criticism either. Like a good surgeon, a friend cuts in order to heal (Proverbs 27:6). They become wiser through healthy interaction: «Iron sharpens iron, just as one person sharpens another» (Proverbs 27:17 NLB).
Sympathy. The literal meaning of sym-pathos says Shared passion. Friendships do not so much come together through an act of will, but are formed between people who discover that they have certain interests and desires in common. For C.S. Lewis, the essence of friendship lies in the exclamation: «What, you too?» When we find a person who is gripped by the same passion, this relationship has the potential to become a real friendship if it is cultivated with transparency and loyalty.
Supernatural aspects of friendship
Despite all the differences in class, temperament, culture, nationality and personal history, people who follow Christ have one thing in common that is stronger than all the differences. All followers of Jesus have experienced the grace of God, have been given a radically new identity and are longing for the same future, heading towards the same horizon – the new creation. Together we are in the process towards the true selfthe person God actually meant when he created us. «I am quite sure that God, who has begun his good work in you, will continue and complete it until the day when Christ Jesus comes again.» (Philippians 1:6 NLB).
This means that any two people who don’t have much in common apart from faith in Christ can develop a robust friendship. They accompany each other on the path to the new creation and together they do their service in the present world. And here, too, this common path from the mutual spiritual transparency and the spiritual commitment lives. In the New Testament there are the so-called «one another» passages: confessing sins to one another, looking out for one another, encouraging one another, forgiving one another, taking steps of reconciliation, being there for one another, sharing life with one another, treating one another with encouragement, respect and praise, helping one another, building one another up in the faith, etc.).
The richest and best friendships are formed where both elements – the supernatural and the natural – come together.
Friendship is the deep oneness that comes about when two people who tell each other the truth in love are travelling together towards the same horizon. «And because we are also responsible for each other, we want to spur each other on to show love and do good to one another» (Hebrews 10:24 New Testament). Every person needs this horizontal kind of friendship.
Your spouse as your best friend
Marriage can add the power of romantic love to the natural and supernatural bond of friendship. When God brought the first man his wife, he brought him not just a lover, but the friend his heart had been seeking. Proverbs 2:17 calls the spouse in Hebrew «allup, a word that begins with ’special confidant» or «best friend» is translated. At a time when a woman was considered her husband’s property and marriages were primarily business transactions to secure the family and clan, such a description was unheard of. But in today’s society, with its emphasis on romantic love and sex, the demand that spouses should be best friends is no less radical. Marriage is a form of friendship. For Paul, the main goal of Christian marriage is not social status and stability, as in ancient cultures, but also not romantic love and personal happiness, as in our culture today. Paul says: «And you husbands, love your wives with the same love with which Christ loved the church. He gave his life for her so that she might be completely his, free from guilt, washed clean by baptism and God’s word. He did this to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and without blemish» (Ephesians 5:25–27 NLB).
Paul is referring here to the process that begins on the day a person comes to faith in Jesus Christ, and which is called Sanctification is called. And Paul is quite sure that this process will be completed (Philippians 1:6). The reason is that Jesus Himself is present in His followers and is orchestrating this work. HE is determined to make us into the glorious, unique persons we can be in Him. In his work of redemption, Jesus is both: friend (John 15:9–15) and lover (Ephesians 5:25–27). This is the model for partners in a marriage. Husband and wife should be lovers and friends to each other, just as Jesus is to us. Jesus has a vision of our future glory (Colossians 1:27; 1 John 3:2), and everything He does in our lives brings us closer to that goal. Ephesians 5:28 draws a direct connection between the goal of every human marriage and the image of Christ’s divine marriage with the church.
Marriage is about both man and woman helping each other to become the glorious new people, the new creation that God has promised us. One day during our skiing holiday, the weather forecast was that the sun would break through the clouds during the course of the day. So we headed out onto the slopes in thick fog full of confidence. What a wonderful moment when the mountains suddenly rose out of the fog and glistened in the sun! There are moments in a marriage when the veil of everyday life lifts and we see the other person as the marvellous person God intended them to be.
When Michelangelo was asked how he had created his magnificent sculpture of David, he is said to have replied: «I looked into the marble and then chiselled away everything that wasn’t David.» Most people who are looking for a spouse are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a great block of marble – not to create the person they want, but to see what kind of person Jesus is creating here.
In this view of marriage, one partner says to the other: «I see your faults and imperfections, weaknesses and addictions, but I also see how the person God wants to make you into is growing beneath the surface.» Marriage is about seeing the absolutely breathtaking things God has in store for your beloved partner – glimpsing fragments of the glory to come and helping the other person become the person God wants him or her to be. It’s about «loving» your spouse into their potential.
It is therefore the exact opposite of the search for the «right» partner, who accepts us as we are and doesn’t want to change us. This view is also radically different from the search for a partner who provides us with social status, financial security or fulfilling sex. Of course, romance, sex, laughter and fun should accompany this process of sanctification. But these things are not able to keep a marriage alive through all the years of normal everyday life.
One day a married couple will not stand before the pastor, but before God himself. When they look at each other, they won’t find a single spot or blemish. Perhaps God will then say: «Well done. All these years you have brought one another before me. You have made sacrifices for each other. You have prayed for and thanked each other and carried each other. You have confronted and encouraged each other. You hugged and loved each other and constantly pushed each other closer to me. And now look how you shine and glow.»
Our partner has to be our best friend (or at least on the way to becoming one), or we won’t be able to build a strong, rich, lasting marriage that makes us both different, better people. The money can and the sex appeal becomes become less over time. Friendship can grow every day.
You may now realise that your spouse is by no means your best friend. The good news is that they can become one! The way to do this is to start with the natural aspects of friendship: loyalty, transparency/honesty and shared passions. Maybe it’s about developing a new hobby together and spending time together.
Jesus» actions with his followers are the great example of marriage. On the cross, Jesus did not look down on us with a heart full of admiration and affection. He put our needs above his ownHe sacrificed himself for us. The Bible doesn’t just ask spouses to do this, the quality and type imitate the love of Christ, but also to imitate her Goal. Jesus did not die because we were so lovable, but to make us lovable. Paul says that He died to make us «holy». This means that Paul calls on married people to help their partner to love Jesus more than they do. The fact is that only when I love Jesus more than my wife will I be able to put her needs before my own. Only when my emotional tank is filled with God’s love am I able to be patient, faithful, tender and open with my wife when things are difficult in our relationship. The more joy I gain from my relationship with Christ, the more I can pass this joy on to my wife and my family.
Possible questions for the small groups
Read the Bible text: Ephesians 5:25–27
- According to the creation account, humans not only need a vertical relationship with God, but also horizontal relationships with other people. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Do you agree that the supernatural elements are enough for a friendship? What are your experiences with this?
- Do you have friends who support you on the path to the new creation in the sense of «one another»? How could the supernatural aspects of your friendships be encouraged?
Two questions for married couples:
- What activities could you do together so that you become even more best friends?
- How can you help your spouse become more of the person God intended them to be?
